First posted 21 April 2000.
Rootbeerman at the back of the McDonald's hunched over he chicken nuggets. He always super size it, and he always eat a cherry pie cause he don't care. Donuts for breakfast, Pizza Pops for dinner, Rootbeerman drink root beer at every meal and that how he got his name.
Rootbeerman never drink juice, but he keep a pitcher of Koolaide in the fridge for he guests, and he call it "juice". Rootbeerman friends drink ten percent real juice out a single-serving Tetra Pak. Applejuicegirl drink apple juice of course the yellow kind. Soymilkboy drink the brown kind.
Soymilkmother in the kitchen making a treat. Rootbeerman has never in his whole entire life eaten anything that had wheat germ or tahini in it. Rootbeerman eat lecithin emulsifier in cheap candy bars, and MSG. Soymilkboy eat pure soy lecithin with a spoon for he skin, he draw you a structural formula and say "phospholipid" without thinking.
Rootbeerman cheese don't turn into oily crud when you melt it. It process American slices, individually wrapped, and it taste just like mustard. He don't know any other kind. Rootbeerman been to America and seen them make the cheese. He been to Florida and saw alligator eat Doctorpepperman, he say. He been everywhere.
Rootbeerman smarter than you, but not much. Soymilkboy smarter than anyone. Rootbeerman and Soymilkboy are friends, but they hate each other.
Rootbeerman have pictures of military aircraft from seven nations on he walls. He know they all by name and number. He would be a fighter pilot but his eyesight not good enough.
Rootbeerman watch every channel at once except The Knowledge Network. He know all the words to all the music videos. He watch every Friday the Thirteenth and Nightmare on Elm Street movie, and when he talk about Freddy and Jason everyone know who he mean.
Rootbeerman on the bus, he know all the regulars. But insane Tealady don't sell him a bookmark cause he only read the newspaper, and he bought one from her last week anyways. She only say "Hi," and finish telling Cigarettemother about knee surgery. Rootbeerman sit at the back, listen to his Discman.
Soymilkboy date Cigarettemother skanky white trash daughter because he promised. Rootbeerman lust after her. All three unhappy.
Rootbeerman at the go-kart race, he do all he own mechanical work. He don't always win but he never come in last.
Rootbeerman running laps on the pavement around the convenience store, sweat-breath green poison peas at the back of his nose, head throbbing but he don't care. He can outrun a dog.
Applejuicegirl try to walk in front of Rootbeerman, he walk faster than her just cause he can. He could let her in front but he don't have to. Orangecrushboy budge in line, Rootbeerman hit him with a stick, cause he don't care.
Rootbeerman throw rocks (not like a girl). He carry a comb that look like a switchblade, and he shoot people with pellet gun.
Rootbeerman hair straight, even when it wet. He don't need gel but he use it anyways. Soymilkboy don't use gel, and should.
Rootbeerman say liberry and nukeyuler and anyways. He say "Soy-uh-milk-boy".
Rootbeerman believe there such a thing as a bad word, but he say them anyways. Rootbeerman believe "ish" is a bad word, and "chukka chukka choo" means "I love you".
Rootbeerman reverse cause and effect.
Rootbeerman marry you some day, but not very soon.
Rootbeerman go camping alone with firework he buy from Oolichanoilman, and shoot them off. When he light a match it light first time, always.
Rootbeerman buy from the back of magazines, from the traveling french fry wagon, from random little girls on the street, to encourage the others.
Rootbeerman never disappointed, and Rootbeerman never compromise.